does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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