last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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