My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
