Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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