Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
