But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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