Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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