It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
