glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
