watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize