and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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