Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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