I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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