i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
