We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
