I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
