my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
