Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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