I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
