A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
