I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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