Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
