He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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