i don't plan on having that self control this summer
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
