You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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