Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
that is very illegal...i love you.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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