I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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