I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
