she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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