I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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