I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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