I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
