I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
