maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so let's talk penis.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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