I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
