i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize