you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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