I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
