maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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