Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
