I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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