I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
