Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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