I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
