yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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