You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
