I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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