I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm eating all of the evidence.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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