OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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