All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize