Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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