It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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