The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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