i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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