Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I can't turn off my feet"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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