Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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