I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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