Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
