I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
