I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
